Searching

So I am in the most beautiful place on the face of this planet, and yet I want more. I am not lonely or alone, in fact I am making some of my best friends, and meeting so many wonderful people, this is nothing less than a blessing. I have people back home that miss me dearly. And people that I miss dearly. I am not homesick...I have gotten over that already cause I am not longing for home. I am longing for something more than this existence that I have found so comfortable. I have tried drinking...turns out not as much fun as they say. Some may disagree with me, but it’s not for me. Don’t get me wrong I still enjoy a pint of Guinness listening to some music in a pub, but that isn’t what I came here for. This life that I have found is not me! I hate skipping classes, I hate getting behind, I hate being late, I hate not doing homework. But it is so much easier. It is comfortable. As the song says I have become "comfortably numb" to what I have found myself in. I guess it is easier not to fail if I don't try. And although I thought I was over my fear of failure it turns out I just learned how to cope with it. I stopped trying. When things get difficult I quit. Then when I do fail I don’t feel bad because I really didn’t care either way. And so I find myself missing life, stuck in sub-adequacy. Because I am not even inadequate, it drops below that, inadequacy describes something that doesn’t measure up. What I am living doesn’t even bother to get measured. Thankfully God has blessed me with a smart enough brain that I can fool most of those around me. A friend of mine once gave me a degree in BS. And it is true; I am a master of making it on the spot, waiting till the last minute, just getting by.
So why did I just confess all that, well I don't really know...? Maybe because I am sick of living it. I have been called for so much more than what I have been living. My God has called me to move mountains and I am so terrified that I can’t do it I just hide. We all know how that turned out for Jonah! (In case you don’t he got eaten by a whale then thrown up and went to do what god had told him.) In case you were ever wondering (and maybe you weren’t! I don’t care! lol) Yes I have been called into ministry. God keeps on reminding me of it over and over. I don’t know what it is yet but I know that he has a plan for me that is so amazing I don’t want to miss out. A really smart guy (my dad!) told me that ministry is the hardest job in the word, and if you’re not called to do it then you will fail, but if you have been called it will be the most rewarding thing in the world!
And I believe him, I am not even in actual ministry and I am still finding it to be the most difficult thing in the world. Mainly because I don’t have any frikin idea what I am supposed to do. And so that is where I am right now...searching. I am trying to find the thing that the deepest part of me is crying out for! No money, travel, girls, alcohol, or good company will ever fill that. It is only Him, and only me. He is all I want and all I need.
So please pray for me! Pray that I will find what God is trying to show me here. And that He will put people in my life here that I can be accountable to and become the type of people healthy for my life! And that I will have the strength to do what I have been called to do. Which right now is school, and all the things that go along with that!